How God tore me down to built me up Part One

This is the beginning of how God tore me apart, limb from limb and rebuilt me and my marriage....I hope it will renew someone's belief that God is in control and mends all things.  It has taken me a lot of strength to realize and admit my faults in my marriage and I know that it has only strengthened it.

It was the summer of 2007, and my husband (Steve) and I had decided to try for a third baby, and then decided maybe it wasn’t the right time.  That was when we of course got pregnant.  Then I wasn’t so sure about the pregnancy.  My mind had changed.  My heart had changed.  I wasn’t sure I could handle it.  The devil was hard at work in my heart during the first four months of my pregnancy.  I had considered having an abortion, even though I knew this baby was a blessing, my fears were starting to overcome me.  I sobbed and cried for months.  And down to the wire at four months, I finally became happy about my pregnancy.  At this time I had no idea what was in store for my family.  Steve and I had been growing apart.  Since I cannot speak for him entirely, I will only write my certainties.  I felt as though we were roommates.  I started despising him for things that are really so trivial but sincerely bothered me.  Our marriage had been on a slope downward, and I think we partially thought a baby would help.  It didn’t. 

Steve had been getting home so late from work that he had started falling asleep on the couch a lot.  And I mean a lot.  At the time I thought nothing of it.  But when my older son, who was 3, brought me my husbands cell phone with it opened to a text message, I had no idea what I was stepping into.  I looked at the message and realized that my husband was dating another woman.  From work no less.  So at least I knew why he was coming home so late.  I broke down. and down.  and down.  From there we of course had a huge fight.  The next couple of days/weeks are still a little blurry.  We tried talking to ministers and a christian counselor.  He was in denial, refusing to tell the truth or open up to anyone.  He stayed for about a month and then he decided he needed to move out.  He needed time to think if he still wanted to be with me.  So I roughed it as a single parent, telling my children that daddy was out of town on business.  I might be a liar, but I’m also their protector.  I don’t think I’ve ever cried or prayed so hard in my life.  Every day I was falling on my knees crying constantly, trying to keep it together, but failing miserably.  My children would console me, love me, help me. 

Now let me tell you, I’m as fault as much as my husband.  I completely believe that a marriage is a 2-way street.  I needed to meet the God demanded needs of my husband.  And vice versa.  We both were NOT doing this.  For years I had an anger problem and had always dealt with insecurities.  I was constantly lashing out at my husband.  As I started to get control of my anger, my husband started taking his anger out on me.  That was completely not in his nature.  He’s sweet, kind and never really got angry.  He was angry for all of the yelling and fighting over the years, but had never told me.  So this was his release.  Woah.  I was in trouble, and it was my own fault. 

My husband moved back in a week later saying that he did want to work on our marriage.  We both agreed that we did love each other, but were not IN love with each other.  I believe this is common in marriages if you forget to take care of them.  So we continued counseling and he slowly started opening up.  And we both slowly started to change. 

That was the beginning of a rough year.  One month after he moved back in, we found out that our older son, was Autistic.  This was not completely out of the blue, but still it was a blow.  I had to absorb it.  It didn’t help me to heal, but did help us to come together and reconnect.

The next month my baby, Gavin, was born.  Since he was scheduled, he was actually born on my husbands 30th birthday.  So we had a lot of cupcakes that day!  I had some delivered to the hospital just for my husband.  He doesn’t care about birthdays but I wanted him to feel special. 

After the baby was born, things started getting bad again with me and my husband.  He wanted to move out again, but longer this time.  He didn’t know how long.  He stayed with us for 6 weeks after the baby because of my surgery to help with the kids.  Then he moved out.  For good, I thought.  He took lots of things.  I wasn’t sure he would ever come back.  I was scared.  I was scared for me being alone, for my kids with no dad, for me being a single mom, and for the unknown future of it all.  It was my worst fear.  I grew up with a single working mother.  It stunk.  I wanted a WHOLE family.  I wanted a home.  I was alone a lot.  I would not let that happen to my kids.  I could not.  So of course I prayed.  And prayed.  I prayed that God would protect us.  That God could mend my husbands heart and mine.  That we could again love each other, if that was His plan.  Only time would tell........