How God tore me down to built me up-Part Two

To read Part One, go here. The story continues.....

I cried a lot after he left.  It felt as though he was gone forever as far as I knew.  I didn’t know if he was coming back.  I didn’t get dressed most days, and I cuddled my kids more than usual.  I knew I should be in my bible, but I barely had the strength to pray.  All I did was pray.  And cry.  I cried out to him.  I didn’t feel him with me, at first.  I didn’t feel his arms, but eventually I knew he was there.  All of my praying must have eventually broken through the darkness.  Because I received a tiny bit of peace.  I knew his word was real, and I opened my bible.  I flipped and flipped, not knowing where to go or what to read.  I was a lost child looking for the comfort of my Father.  And then I found him.  Just waiting for me.

“Then I will call on God, and the Lord will rescue me.  Morning, noon and night, I cry out in my distress, and the Lord hears my voice. “   Psalm 56: 16-17

I just started sobbing.  Knowing that God was just there, waiting for me, just me, in this dark hour broke me.  It shattered me into pieces.  Grateful pieces, that he would soon begin to glue back together.  This verse still resinates with me and always will in times of turmoil. 

My husband did move back in 3 weeks later.  After lots of crying and praying on my part, I had a heart to heart with him and really tried to see what he wanted.  We agreed we wanted our family and for it to work.  I came from a divorced family, and never want to get divorced.  I actually don’t believe in it.  We knew that since we loved each other in our hearts, that our pride would have to be set aside to heal.  He moved in and we started slowly to rebuild ourselves and our love.  

I remember it being so awkward.  I mean, where do you go when you feel as though you don’t even know the person you’re living with.  The person you love and are meant to be with.  I wasn’t sure, but we tried anyway.  And it slowly got better.  God was working in our hearts.  I finally felt him there with me.  I didn’t feel that alone anymore.  I didn’t feel abandoned by my God, my father, anymore.  At least not completely abandoned.  But I believe a heart takes a million (slight exageration) times longer to heal than it does to break into pieces. 

Counseling was going well and we were working on ourselves and God was mending me.  Then after Thanksgiving I felt as though we fell off the wagon.  We started fighting again.  Of course you can’t expect to heal all wounds without some potholes in the road, right?
Five weeks after that I would hit rock bottom yet again.  Right after New Years, I crawled into bed to find my husband asleep with a phone in his hand.  As I pick it up, I realize that it’s not his phone.  I look, and his is sitting next to him.  Hmmm, I start looking at it.  It’s a disposable phone with text messages from another girl.  Oh no.  I start hyperventilating as I read them.  I’m holding my breath waiting to wake up from this nightmare.  I’m realizing as I read them and look at the dates that my husbands been having an affair for 6 weeks.  Another affair.  A more intimate affair.  One that would break my heart even more. 

I immediately, (at 2am), picked up the phone and called my dear friend.  Heartbroken, I told her the truth.  I sobbed and screamed “why?”.  I knew why, in my heart.  But in shock, we all don’t want to believe the truth.  Not the real, honest, I’m a sinful person truth.  She helped calm me, spoke God’s words into my ears and we prayed.  I was broken, but more in his hands than before.  At least until I went to wake him up.  I asked him to come into the living room since our baby was asleep next to the bed.  My rage was rising up inside of me.  The steam pressuring thru my ears.  My selfish heart saying “I’m too good for this, I deserve better.”  What lies we let the devil feed into our ears. 

He sat down and I immediately attacked him.  I started hitting him and hitting him and hitting him.  I didn’t know what else to do.  It was that or fall to the floor and curl up into a ball.  Heaven forbid I allow myself to be vulnerable.  He eventually told me everything.  That’s the kind of marriage I want, need, and love.  Complete honesty.  How can we start over if we cannot move on from the past.  So he spilled.  It all.  And it was a huge mess.  I cried and he cried, the good kind of cry that you know will mend you. 

Then I forgave him.  The words came from my lips so casually.  They flowed so peacefully out of my mouth without thinking a single thought in my mind.  Steve seemed shocked.  There was an eternity of silence.  My mind was at calm, but at the same time wondering why it was so easy for me to forgive him.  I had no idea.  All l knew is that I loved him and nothing else mattered.  My heart was with God and was luckily controlling me at the time.  The rest of me was numb.  I knew God had plans for us.  I had no earthly clue what they were, but I knew in my heart that he was pruning us.  He had stripped us both down and was keeping the good healthy parts of our hearts and regrowing the rest.  He’s good like that.

John 15:1-2
I am the true grapevine and my father is the gardener.  He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. 

John 15:5-6
Yes I am the vine and you are the branches.  Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit.  For apart from me you can do nothing.  Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. 

And so our 2009 began as a rebuilding year.  We went to counseling and both found out many things about each other.  I personally found out things that I didn’t know I had done to my husband that hurt him.  So I had to begin to work on myself.  I had to stop being so angry at what my husband couldn’t do for me.  I had to remember that we 3 strands together with God.  That we could not survive without him.  That was my focus each day. 

That was a hard, hard, hard year.  I didn’t know if I would survive or succeed at my marriage.  I’m not very good at ignoring my pride, and my pride was a little too big.  So I spent a lot of time crying, trying to stay in the word, and seeking advice from a mentor.  It was a growing year, for me and my husband. 

~Now, we are so in love, but a new kind of love.  We still argue and fight, but we make up with love.  We hug every morning.  We make time for us to connect, even with screaming, laughing and craziness in the background.  We try to love as God loves, but we are after all still human and therefore sinful.