On My Sleeve

I just ended a Luke bible study at church last week. We've been going through Luke since September. And I've been at home pondering so many things about the future and having so many doubts that I obviously knew that I needed to throw myself into the Word. But where to go? Isn't that always the question.
Well, throughout this year I was not always the best at reading every chapter in Luke. I struggle with completion in my bible studies. I always have the best heart and intentions for them, but life always intercedes.
Anyway, I decided I would go back through Luke and see what I missed or refresh my memory.

In Luke Mary is told that she will bear a son and that he will be "the son most high". As I pondered the beginning of one of the most known stories in the bible, I came to these thoughts.

How did Mary trust that everything be ok? That others would not mock her pregnancy when she "claimed" to be a virgin? How was she so steadfast during a time I would consider a little crazy?

"You are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what He said." Luke 1:45

I think that although I do ask God to bless me with his will, and I ask for his help, that I'm not truly in my heart asking. That my Faith is wavering, Unstable if you will. I know I want to believe, but right now, in this time, I don't know that it will. What I do know is:
-God is with me always
-God will take care of me
-God loves me no matter what

What I am not sure of is the in between. The nitty gritty stuff. The hard times when you don't know if you'll survive. And at least I've been there, I know I'll survive, because I have. Some of the most nitty gritty stuff. Now, I know nothing of war and famine, how blessed I am. But being in the trenches, MY trenches, knowing that I could have given up, I still ponder the future. I wonder will my doubt ever cease. Will I ever trust fully in him as I see friends around me do so. This is my sin right now. I proudly wear it. For without it I would not be his child. I would be fatherless, and my life would have no meaning. Luckily I was saved. He saved me. And I still cling to that. To Him. Every day. And that's all I can do.